Photo: Thassia
I loved going to model castings at big magazines. Every time I walked into the big buildings I saw all of these hard-working women I always wanted to be. I always asked them about their jobs and how they got to where there are, so when I got the chance to work at Germany’s biggest publishing house I was over the moon. This was my chance to work towards my goal and become one of the women I always admired.
Taking this job also meant that I had to tell my agency that I changed my priorities and was only able to model on the weekend. My agency wasn’t happy but agreed to give it a try, which meant taking on two careers at once. While I was trying my best at my new job, I worked on the weekends and ran to the bathroom at work to take pictures of myself for clients when my agency needed them. Every time I turned down a job I felt bad and my agency got mad at me. I don’t really blame them because there are hundreds of girls waiting for jobs.
Secretly, I knew that I couldn’t do this forever, but modelling was my life for over 5 years. It was all that mattered to me for such a long time, so I just wasn’t ready to let go yet. The more I tried to please everyone, the more stressed out I became. I lay awake at night thinking about how I could fit some modelling jobs into my work life. Letting go of something you are used to is never easy, especially if it’s something that defines who you are. Would people think of me as a failure because I stopped modelling? There were so many questions in my head pulling me down.
It took me a few months until I came to a point where I realized that I didn’t want to be defined by my modelling anymore. I was ready for more. I wanted to be the career girl, working towards her new career. I talked to my agency and we decided that I was going to take a break. To be honest, the only reason I am taking a “break” is because it makes me feel safer that quitting. I still have a hard time occasionally realizing that my priorities have changed and that I have changed. I am starting at the bottom again and it scares me. But it is the best decision I could have made.
By Hannah Lutterbach
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